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Saturday, July 30, 2005

Salon Table Talk - By the Book: The Gospel According to the Shooter's Bible

   By Marion Delgado at 12:16 AM

Salon Table Talk - By the Book: The Gospel According to the Shooter's Bible: "From The Bartender's Bible, the Gospel of Rick, XII-XIV, XX, and XXII



1. And so it came to pass upon one of those sweltering Jerusalem nights where the horseflies cluster under your caftan and the sweat pours down your body until your tunic resembles that of an old and unfirm man with no control of his bowels. 2. Verily, the sort of night that makes goodwives clutch the kitchen knives and eye the thick bull necks of their husbands. The kind of night where quarrels amongst the manservants leave bodies for the centurions in the morning. Out of such a night and into the tavern of Rick came a man of good countenance but much troubled in spirit.

3. Of this scribe the Nazarene for such he was by his talk demanded even the strongest drink in the house. And lo whilst on an ordinary occasion unto him would be proffered Syriac wine this night your servant reached instead for the Nubian. The man drained the fiery wine as it were water and did signal with his hand for another, the which he sipped more thoughtfully.

4. Verily 'twas not to be like this said the man, a carpenter by his thick hands abraded with the rough surfaces of boards and pegs. Forsooth, replied this scribe gingerly, every one which comes into this establishment says that. What troubles ye, stranger? On the morrow I am to be arrested - on the Passover! Woe indeed are me and mine! he did cry out. 5. By this, your servant learned he was of the Jews. As most Greeks in Jerusalem your servant had no problem with the Jews. 'Twas well known that the tavern of Rick was neutral ground that even centurions made pause before violating.


1. And best 'twas thus as with the skill that a tavern owner must acquire this person had learnt already that this must be Joshua of Nazareth and a known rouser of the rabble. I will die! I will be executed! Joshua said even then in the silence that persisted after his admission.

2. Yea verily! said I to him that will be thy fate almost of a certainty. But are not all things in the hands of the one God with you people? GOD! replied he then. Speaketh thou not unto me of GOD would you keep my good will. For it is HE that is source of my troubles down to the last jot and tittle. 3. And this is HIS reward for that I have done nothing but that it was the will of the FATHER. Not alone to die but to be scourged and mocked and whipped and crucified friendless and alone amongst thieves!

4. At that ventured your servant a suggestion that the Nazarene could merely flee. He was known as a man of no entanglements having neither estate nor wives nor issue. I could indeed replied Joshua. Of a course the disciples would needs disband. And GOD would have HIS mission unfulfilled. But for HIM I regard how HE has treated John called the Baptist who never spoke a word nor moved a muscle but that it was the will of the FATHER. That he was beheaded and even his head brought before the whore of a dictator that she might give him a whores smile. Glory be to GODs name. And I like John who has never even lain with a woman!

5. And your servant cannot testify that the stranger said the words the Magdalene but such seemed to be that which he said under his breath.


1. With which interruped this one the musings of the troubled man. The Nubian is of a strength stranger. Is it your wish that I finish the glass you are toying with? 2. The eyes of the rouser of the rabble darkened to the shade of onyx and focused on this scribe. Never said he have I ordered a drink that i did not drain to the dregs! Such is not the way of a man to order that which he cannot finish!

3. Yes! said he then paused taken aback somewhat. With somewhat of suspicion the onyx eyes of the troublemaker fell on your servant. Then with a grin of bitterness his head did nod in acceptance. The man did grab the cup and drain it nor did one drop remain.

4. Much of wisdom do you keepers of taverns acquire said Joshua the Nazarene and much do you impart in secret. Thou art known as Rick and as a man who does not get involved. I will shew ye a secret to repay thee. We shall not sleep but we shall all be changed. Even thou Rick the tavernkeeper! And with that and with not one word more walked the stranger forcefully out of the tavern into the hot Jerusalem night.



5. At this entreated your servant of the Magdalene wherefore of all the wine bibbers and horse hostels in the world she should have walked into mine? Unto his manservant did this scribe convey the order to strike the lyre and sing the Psalm of Time Gone By. The servant Samuel knowing that that psalm was forbidden in the tavern of Rick did hesitate whereupon your servant did forcibly order him to play the heretofore forbidden psalm.


XXII 1. And rigidly did Lucius Quintus Pompeius Sergilius stand and not a thumbs span did he turn as behind him Simon also called Peter slipt out the back and headed unto the pier where his ship awaited.

2. Then did Lucius call forth to his deputy Mercurius and speak thus. Round up ye the usual suspects Mercurius!

3. Neither did your servants hand tremble nor did unmanly tears well as he served himself and Lucius a glass of the Nubian. To manly courage! your scribe suggested. To steadfast faithfulness! Did Lucius respond. Lucius said your servant this is the start think I of a beautiful friendship!


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